


When the mask slips and everything becomes a mess

by Smugdendingle



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Panic Attack, Suicidal Thoughts, anxiety attack, emotional breakdown, low self worth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 11:51:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17223545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smugdendingle/pseuds/Smugdendingle
Summary: After months of built up insecurities, paranoia and just self hatred, it all comes to an emotional breakdown in the bathroom. Aaron is there to comfort him at his lowest moment.





	When the mask slips and everything becomes a mess

**Author's Note:**

> Everything is all my issues and insecurities, this is how I feel daily. I hope it shows how Robert is feeling and I hope it shows Aaron comforting him. 
> 
> I would just really want Robert getting some sort of storyline/emotional scenes like this because Ryan would ace them to an T. 
> 
> Honestly this was meant to be short and little bit soppy and now it’s turned into this * pokes at it * thing.

He lay beside his husband on their bed as Aaron was running his finger up and down Robert’s chest and stomach. They were content after having hours of sex, loads of kisses and more sucking and just lust. 

But as he watched Aaron just stroke him and kiss him, hug his stomach a whirlwind of insecurity hits him like a massive wave. He looks down and sees his stomach a little out and not totally flat, he swallows down hard and tries to get rid of the lump formed in his throat. 

But he can’t take it anymore, it just becomes too much all sudden and he’s out of their room in a flash. He goes straight to the bathroom and locks the door, he sits on the toilet trying to control his emotions, trying not to sob. 

“ Rob? What’s the matter? “ Aaron asks so concerned and so worried about his husband. One minute they’re laying beside each other and the next Robert pushes him away and practically flies out of their bed. 

Robert sniffs and just feels pathetic and worthless. I shouldn’t of just lost like that he thinks bitterly. “ I - I fine just go back to bed. “ He tries to sound casual but the wobble in his voice is noticeable. All he wants to do is curl away from the world and just hide. The feeling of self hatred just takes over and he hates it, hates feeling like this all the time, hates that he feels happy and the fucking next he just wants to hide away from everyone. 

The feeling is always there, has been for months and thankfully no ones noticed, not even Aaron. He’s glad, he’s glad that Aaron doesn’t see how much of a disappointment mess he truly is. 

“ You really think I’m going to leave you like this? Don’t be stupid Rob. Open the door I’m worried ‘bout ya. “ Aaron says softly yet firmly, he would knock the whole door down just to see if his husband is okay. He hates that he can’t see him, hates that he doesn’t know what’s going on with his husband, just hates that he feels like he’s letting him down in some way. 

Robert sniffs as few tears drop down his cheeks and drop off his jaw. He makes no attempt to wipe them away. No feeling will ever top this hopeless, numb feeling he has now. 

But he tries, so desperately tries to get rid of Aaron, just wants to lay in his own self pity and low self worth for while before he puts his mask back on to cover the cracks. 

Because all it was that the mask he’s been wearing for months has slipped a bit and it exposed the many cracks and cuts and just exhaustion. 

He just needs to put his mask back on and carry on going not wanting to feel weak, not wanting anyone to see him weak. 

“ Please just leave me alone Aaron. “ he finally breaks. “ I just want to be left alone. “ He bursts into tears, hard hitting sobs escapes his mouth. His chest tight with painful aches and he slides down and hugs his knees and just cries. 

Aaron bursts through the door finally had enough with not knowing anymore, he ignores the handle falling to the floor and nails clattering to a stop. He only sees his husband crying into his knees looking so small, so lost, just like a little lost boy. 

Robert looks so far away from his usual strong self that it is frightening. It frightens Aaron so much seeing his husband this distressed. 

Aaron hugs Robert whilst rubbing gently his back trying to soothe him. He has his own tears falling down and seeing Robert like this makes him cry more. 

It’s like he can actually feel Robert’s pain. 

“ Rob please tell me what’s wrong. What’s got you like this babe? “ The nickname slips out casually, it is only used on those very rare occasions when either man feels at their lowest and just wants to feel loved. “ Please Rob your scaring me, what’s wrong? “ Aaron so desperately wants Robert to open up, to speak because this isn’t just when your upset about something this is more. It’s built up emotions, built up thoughts and feelings and other peoples words and just that nagging voice in your head. When it never shuts up it just goes on and on about how worthless and just what a pathetic person you are and you can’t stop it. 

“ I - I just i... hate me.... I - I want to go - “ Robert barely makes a understandable sentence through the sobs. His breath hitches and becomes out of time. He’s on the verge of a panic attack. 

“ Rob just listen to me okay? And just me. Concentrate on your breathing, feel the air go through your nose and feel your lungs expand with each breath you take. “ Aaron speaks firmly whilst rubbing gentle circles on Robs neck, calming him down.   
“ And just listen to your own heart beat and concentrate on my voice. “ Aaron carries on softly and feels so relieved when Robert’s breathing becomes back to normal after few minutes. 

But he looks far from okay. 

“ I’m - I’m sorry. “ Robert gasps out still trying to keep his breathing normal and still crying. 

Aaron frowns not knowing what the hell he means because what is he apologising for? “ What for? “ he asks confused. 

Robert sniffs hard and clings to his knees tighter trying to make himself as small as humanly possible. “ Me. “ he breaks out sounding so broken but looking so emotionless. 

Aaron’s frown deepens.   
“ What? Why are you apologising for yourself? “ He says generally confused and he hates to say it but he needs to tell Robert that he needs to say a few more words than that, to make Aaron at least understand a bit more. 

Robert sighs deeply just feeling numb letting the odd tear slide down gently as he stares ahead at nothing. “ It’s not just one thing. “ he starts and then finishes he can’t actually find the right words to express and explain his feelings and issues. 

Aaron nods his head happy that at least they’re getting somewhere with Robert opening up a bit. “ Just start from where ever? Or just say the different issues you have? “ Aaron offers with a small smile trying to encourage him to carry on. 

“ Few months ago I started feeling insecure about my weight, and then I had this voice telling me that how fat, worthless I am and just other names you can think of. “ he blows out a breath. “ and honestly it’s all right, and I believe it because I am fat and I am a disappointment and just a failure. “ Robert speaks more louder than few seconds ago before sighing and just looking back down. “ at night I would over think about anything and everything about the mistakes I’ve made, and how m’not good at anything. “ he tensely looks at Aaron’s reaction expecting to find shame and anger but only saw love. 

Aaron waits for Robert to carryon on talking after its been a few minutes and he’s afraid Robert’s gone back into his own head again. “ Rob? “ He says unsure. 

Robert looks at him with a sad and Aaron can see the hurt and anguish in his eyes. He looks so broken. “ You really want me to carry on? I don’t want to get you miserable as well. “ Robert speaks quietly as he plays with his wedding ring, he takes it off and just plays with it with his hands. 

Aaron lifts up Robert’s chin with one finger and he smiles gently. “ You will never bore me with your problems okay. “ he says firmly wanting - needing - Robert to understand his problems aren’t as insignificant as Aaron’s. 

Robert looks down and Aaron saw the slight glimpse of pain covering Robert’s face. Robert blows out another breath he honestly looks like this is sucking out all the energy right out of him. 

“ At night I would think about dying. “ Robert starts not wanting to see Aaron’s face but guessing from the gasp he guesses it. “ I would think about how a waste of space I am. How I’m no use to anybody and I’m basically pointless living when I’m no good to anybody. I would just lie there at night staring at the ceiling or just losing my gaze and just think how everyone would be okay if I died. “ Robert says it so casually that it rips Aaron’s heart in two, Aaron starts to silently cry hating hearing whats coming out of his husbands mouth. “ And then I started having dreams and thoughts of me dying all the time and I’ll just wish I could but wouldn’t actually do it but just think about it. I started to get paranoid about stuff and I always think somethings watching me or out to get me. And I always lookin’ over my shoulder and just feeling scared all the time, just like waiting for something to happen. I just wish something would be there just once to stop the fear of always waiting. “ 

“ Rob... “ Aaron says heartbroken hearing all this and he didn’t have a clue that his husband was fighting this battle with himself. He’s just lost for words. 

“ And today when we were laying in bed the wave of insecurity hit me out of nowhere and I just bolted out of there. I couldn’t cope with the crashing pain and thoughts again. “ Robert says simply staring at the stairs for the entire time of talking, it was like he was in a daze. He didn’t notice anything, didn’t notice that he was only wearing his underpants and nothing else, didn’t notice the goosebumps and his skin going pale blue and purple. He was in his own world. 

“ why didn’t you tell me any of this? “ Aaron asks painfully looking at Robert. “ We agreed to tell each other everything. “ 

“ There’s nothing to do to someone who’s already broken they can never be fixed. “ Robert says finally looking at Aaron. 

“ your not broken Rob. “ Aaron says passionately. 

“ I am Aaron. Have been for years. “ Robert spoke sadly with the most saddest smile Aaron has ever seen. 

“ Do you think I’m broken? With all my issues and past? “ Aaron asks confronting him. 

“ No. you are a good person, me? I’m just a train wreck everything that happens to me I have some sort of part in it. “ He says bitterly. 

“ I’m not though! I smashed up windows when I was younger! I did loads of terrible stuff - “ 

“ that’s because you had a horrific childhood! That’s why you acted out because of the pain you went through! “ Robert stood up looking at Aaron as he rosed as well. 

“ And you don’t think you haven’t been through a lot? Being outed, getting beaten up by your dad, getting locked in a barn with your crazy ex wife about to set fire to ya, getting gassed, getting shot, being punched and beaten, Katie. Robert the list fucking goes on!” 

“ Aaron! All that I deserved! I caused all that! Me! It doesn’t matter. “ he pushes past Aaron walks downstairs into the beer fridge. 

“ Of course it matters! You can’t just leave it like that after all that you’ve just told me! “ Aaron says appalled at the possibility of just leaving it and brushing the information under the carpet. 

Robert shrugs his shoulders and downs the first can of larger.   
“ Well I am. There’s nothing to do about it. “ 

“ Go to the doctors, counselling or therapy! Talk more there is help. “ Aaron nearly screams frustrated with Robert’s stubbornness. 

“ It’s pointless. “ He stays I denial. 

Aaron runs up to Robert and gets the can out of Robert’s hand, he puts both of his hands onto Robert’s shoulders and forces him to look at Aaron in the eye. 

“ I love you too much to just let you spiral out of control and let you think you should die. I can’t let you think nobody will miss ya because you couldn’t be more wrong, everyone will be heartbroken, - devastated! I can’t watch my husband build himself a early grave. “ Aaron nearly shouts and his voice breaks just realising the life without his husband in it. Aaron looks so saddened and his beautiful blue ocean eyes reduced to dark blue by the emotional expression covering his beautiful features. 

Robert lets out another sob covers his face with his hands, he lets himself get pushed into Aaron’s chest with the strongest hug he’s ever gotten. He cries for while before pulling away. 

“ I’m sorry. “ he says quietly. 

“ There isn’t anything to be sorry for Rob. “ 

“ can you get the phone number for somebody? “ Robert asks quietly almost sounds ashamed. 

“ I’ll get it first thing. It is always the hardest to admit for help. “ Aaron said softly, repeating what his own therapist said to him from his session. Robert just nods and hugs Aaron tighter, tugging his nose deeper into Aaron’s neck and just wanting the smell of his husband. 

One thing Robert thinks about is he has his husband right beside him through out all the sessions and low days. He isn’t alone and he needs to start believing that.

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy it? Or at least found it interesting?


End file.
